There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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