I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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