i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
