Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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