U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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