I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
