the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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