The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You smell like stripper and shame
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
