First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
