worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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