Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
