This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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