He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize