i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
