I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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