I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
