No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize