I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
