is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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