Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
