She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize