you guys were way drunker than both of me
i already hear my dad disowning me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Semen is not good for contacts.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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