I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
