I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
