i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize