Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
