Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
