I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
