And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
