Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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