Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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