I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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