Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Randomize
