Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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