i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
