Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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