8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
