Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
