If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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