I can feel you judging me through the phone.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
