I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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