you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
