So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
