you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize