apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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