If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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