I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
