after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
