It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
