Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
