I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize