"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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