I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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