Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do vagina's smell?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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