walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
