hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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