My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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