We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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