I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
