I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
