Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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