Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
