I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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