my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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