So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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