I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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