Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
