last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
