You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
His hands were made for my vagina.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
