he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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