Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
