I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
