sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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