youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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