First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
