I am puke
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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